My senior year of high school, I definitely wasn’t prepared for many different aspects of college. But that’s not to say that I expected myself to be so. I saw college as this grand, glorious stage production in which life seemed like an unscripted improv number that never ended (in case you couldn’t tell, I was a theatre kid). In some ways, I was right. College life is all about going with the flow and driving wherever the road takes you -- because you don’t have much of a choice anyway. In some ways, though, I was wrong.
With complete transparency, I’ll let you know that I chose to attend Iowa State University on somewhat of a whim. In fact, a majority of the choices I’ve made since coming here have been on a whim, including becoming a Sister of Delta Phi Lambda. Luckily for me, I’ve been blessed with extremely positive and life-changing outcomes because of these whims, and that is a big reason I’ve been able to take life a little less seriously than I maybe should. That being said, I did not put much thought into what life would be like after I moved to college; I was only worried about getting there and staying there. Of course I had seen the movies and read the stories of the glorified version of college that the media portrayed. I wouldn’t say that I was frightened of the new aspects of life that college would bring to me, but rather I was at least a little nervous.
I knew what I was doing when I submitted that application to Iowa State, and I knew what I was doing when I accepted my offer of admission. Not only was I accepting this new life at a college campus I had never been to before (I never went on any college visits in high school), I was also accepting the end of my old life in my hometown, leaving behind all my friends and memories I had made in those halls of Sheldon High. Needless to say, I was exuberant. A change like this was exactly what I felt I needed to take the first steps on a new path in a different -- and hopefully, right -- direction. I had no friends nor any acquaintances who would be attending ISU as well. I was moving in with a random roommate. I had hardly any plans. All I knew was that I had waited for this moment my entire life, and I was determined to make the best of it. A fresh start, new people, new connections, nothing to lose.
But once again, I was sadly wrong. While college did offer countless opportunities for me in numerous different ways, I found myself feeling a bit stuck. I was truly pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but seemingly to no avail. It seemed that however many events I went to and however many people I met, I still retreated back to my dorm room every afternoon, still friendless, and stayed there until morning. I don’t remember exactly when the loneliness hit me, but it sure did. If you’ve ever met me, you know that I’m a very quiet, soft spoken person. I thought that when I came to college that would change, that I’d find this new energy within myself to burst out of my bubble and become the social butterfly that I’ve always wished I was. It didn’t happen. Now, without the comfort of my lifelong friends by my side, I spent most of my days completely alone. I would see faces and I would hear voices passing by in the halls, but I still felt terribly alone. And I had no idea what to do about it.
I wish I had a more pleasing end to this story in which I could exclaim about my miracle that came along that pulled me from this pit I had fallen into, but I have nothing like that. Thankfully, I do have many new sisters who have helped me feel less alone and restored a bit of my faith in myself. However, if you’re anything like me, you know that your brain is kind of mean sometimes and scolds you for being too dependent upon others. “Why can’t you figure it out on your own?” “Do you really need someone’s help doing that?” Everyone’s life is unique, and mine is no different. (Is that an oxymoron?) I grew up without many friends due to a variety of different circumstances. I should have been used to feeling alone. However, now that I had all these people around me who wanted the best for me and wanted to help me get there, I should have felt relieved and grateful. And while I definitely did, a large part of me did not. A large part of me simply felt confused. My entire life I was taught that I must do everything by myself, so now that I was being told this mindset wasn’t true, I didn’t know what to think.
Luckily for me, I’ve learned a lot from my experiences here at Iowa State. Now nearly a month into my second semester, I’m pleased to tell you that the loneliness has not gone away, but it is no longer a bother. I know that a lot of students deal with the same feelings that I do--the perception that this feeling of loneliness must be some indicator of inadequacy, and only those with a large group of friends are happy--these thoughts are common. I suppose everyone is different, but I truly think that being alone is empowering. Being able to find a balance between independence and cooperation is a skill that not many people have. I still have a long way to grow mentally, and I am completely aware of that. Perhaps my feelings are simply a product of my age. Either way, right now, I don’t feel bothered by being alone. I’m not really alone, anyway, because I have myself. And at the end of the day, that’s really all anyone has, so why be uncomfortable with it?
Written by Lauren "Lanirosé" Davis